I am constantly in battle with just "being ok with me." In person you would not guess that I struggle, I portray myself as very confident- a take me or leave me and I don't give a shit either way kind of girl. The truth is, I am very insecure... and the thought of giving people inside information about me that they could use against me frightens me. Use against me... what does that even mean? People I know seeing me as a fallible? Human? How can that *really* be used against me? It's a catch 22 I suppose- they can only affect me if I let them, and I can only let them if I allow my insecurities to consume me, yet to be to a point where I can let everything out I have to be confident in myself.
Quandary. I facilitate a support group where the concept of self confidence is often brought up. My co-facilitator told the women the other day that they needed to start feeling better about themselves, build up their self confidence. All I could do was sit there and think- and just how does one do that? Does one just wake up one morning and think "I am not longer going to think I am a piece of shit" and voila it's done? I believe that I have a higher self esteem than the average person, but I question if it is more accurately stated that I only project a higher self esteem. I do know it saddens me when I counsel these women, knowing that they should demand more respect but also knowing they won't because they do not feel they deserve it. Of course they know they logically deserve it, but emotionally it's a different story.
Maybe this brings me back to the beginning. Aligning my head and my heart to feel better about myself would allow me to feel more free. Nine months later and I am giving birth to a place where hope can be nourished, eventual learn to crawl, and then walk.